TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.

The IPCC headquarters in Geneva
The International Panel on Climate Change confirmed the evidence had not been peer-reviewed and will now amend the section of its 2007 report devoted to ‘killer trees’.

A spokesman said: “It appears the claim was not based on new data or field research but on that bit with the angry, talking trees in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.”
…
“We still think there’s a strong chance that trees will become sentient and take revenge on man for chopping down all their friends and turning them into spatulas, we’re just not sure when.”

Having recently been the victim of a tree attack on my parked car, I am very relieved to read this, as I was becoming a bit concerned.

Anyway, I prefer Teflon or stainless steel spatulas, so I should be pretty much on their side.

update:
The original article includes this image, which portrays the home of Bilbo Baggins, one of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings. I believe this was taken from the movie trilogy.

I just this minute realized, it’s an eye. An eye in great contrast with the other eye in the story, the flaming Eye of Sauron.